I am not a dog person- at all. Actually I am not really an
animal person. I think they carry millions of deadly diseases, except cats.
Cats are legit. Anyways, a few people have asked why we bought a dog. Honestly,
this story is more for me than anyone else, a way to close a chapter in my
life. Some of you may know that Mckell and I have been trying to start a family
for the past 4 years. We have done some low intensity fertility treatment and
looked into adoption. But for some reason, adoption or higher intensity
fertility treatments, IVF or In Vitro Fertilization, have never seemed like the
right thing to do at that time in our lives. When we came to Texas, we both
knew we were supposed to give IVF a try. I have always been hesitant to try it
because number one, you give yourself a million shots, and number two, the
price. I always thought, “Why give yourself a 60% chance of having a baby, when
you can adopt and get 100% chance of a baby for the same price.” I know not all
people will agree with this point of view but that was what was going through
my mind. But in Texas, I felt so calm
about trying IVF and knew it was what we were supposed to do.
Now this next part is mainly an explanation of what IVF is,
so feel free to skim and skip to the next paragraph. We started the process in
October 2014. I had to start off by taking birth control pills. Weird, huh? Why
do I need to take birth control when trying to get pregnant? This is so my body
will stop trying to produce an egg so when I take the stimulation shots then
all the eggs can grow at the same rate. Soon it was time for me to start the
stimulation shots. I would give myself 3 shots a day that caused my hormones to
soar through the roof and made me act like a crazy person. I was literally
crazy- Mckell, you know that I used the word literally in the right context. I
would be so happy and on cloud 9 and then out of the blue I would be some mad
and frustrated for no good reason. Poor Mckell. After 2 weeks of these
injections, we did an egg retrieval. They were able to retrieve 21 eggs! We
were a little worried with how many eggs I would produce so this was amazing
news. Just warning you, you may think from 21 eggs you would get 21 healthy
embryo babies, however you never will keep that many. Out of my 21 eggs, 13
fertilized normally, and after 5 days of watching them grow, we had 4 amazing
embryos. When it came time to transfer them, we only transferred 1. After the
egg retrieval, I had to start taking progesterone shots, with a 2 inch needle,
in my butt, every night. These were by far the most painful ones because of the
knotting that would happen in my muscle. Some days I could barely walk. By the
way, I have an amazing husband and an amazing friend who would give them to me
every night. After the retrieval, you are supposed to wait 2 weeks before the
pregnancy test. Add progesterone shots to this and it makes for a really,
really long waiting period. But because of when my egg retrieval was, I had to
wait an extra 3 days because of Thanksgiving.
We love our doctor. They have this technology where you can watch the fertilized egg turn from a 1 cell to a 1,000 cell embryo. At the end you can even see the little baby in the top right of the circle. The video below documents the life of our baby that was transferred.
I went in on December 1, 2014 for a blood draw pregnancy
test. Luckily I had a lunch appointment for work so that kept me occupied until
I got the call from the doctor’s office in the afternoon. The call came in at 1:30pm as I sat in my car
in the parking lot where the lunch appointment was. Usually when I get a phone
call with blood draw results it is a nurse calling. This time it was my doctor.
I knew that this was either a really good sign or a bad sign. She started out
with the HCG results before she told me what they meant. “Your HCG levels are
at a .5 which is not high enough to be pregnant, so unfortunately the procedure
didn’t take.”
I was heart broken, devastated, frustrated, angry. So many
of my thoughts and time was spent planning this. I have never thought so much
about having a baby as I did this month. Never have I had as much faith that I
would get pregnant this month. So much was counting on this happening. So many
success stories of it working on the first try. Why wasn’t I one of those
people? What is going on in my body? What is wrong with me?
I called Mckell in tears. He knew immediately what it meant.
He told me that he was done with work and that I should come home. I didn’t think I could face anyone yet who
knew. I tried to convince Mckell that I needed to stay out and go visit all of
the doctor’s offices to keep my mind off of it. Who was I kidding? I made it to
one office and then headed home. Side Note: I had mentioned earlier that I had
a friend helping me with shots. This beautiful friend of mine is Katelyn
Patricia Lowe. She was in town visiting and I knew I would need her moral
support whether the answer was positive or negative. I walked in the door and she
was there to greet me. She didn’t need to say anything to make me feel better.
She knew I just needed a hug. Mckell was there waiting for me on the couch. I
went over to him. After a few minutes in silence, I said, “Can we go buy a
kitten?” He laughed and opened up the computer screen to show that he was just
searching were we could buy a kitten. He knows me so well.
Apparently when Mckell got home, he told Kate, “We need to
go buy a kitten. That is going to be the only thing that will make Sari feel better.
It is the only thing.” Honestly, could I have married anyone better? He spoils
me. We immediately head out to a pet store in Frisco. When we got there, we
were holding a playing with several different kittens. My favorite was a gray
Persian kitten, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to buy her, which is completely
unusual for me J
As I was debating, Mckell went to look at the puppies. He fell in love with
this Beagle. We spent hours there trying to decide what to do. We debated if we
should buy both so they could have a friend, but since we have never owned a
pet we ruled that out and we were stuck trying to decide which one to buy. The
debating ended as we were putting the animals back. The cat started meowing and
trying to jump out of my arms. I tried to restrain it, but to my dismay, the
cat was freaking out because she had to use the restroom. She started
diarrhea-ing all over me. Seriously, the most runny, nasty smelling thing I
have ever come in contact with all down the front of my jacket, shirt, and
pants. After spending 20 minutes trying not to throw up and cleaning myself up,
we left the pet store without an animal. Another reason why I don’t like
animals was added to my list. To give the cat some credit, I was holding her
for a long time and she did try to warn me and run away.
We went to dinner and Mckell just kept talking about a pet. He was expecting to come home with a pet. I
told him that we could go back to the pet store one more time. He immediately
got the beagle and started playing with him. He kept saying that he wanted it
and that he would take care of it, just like an 8 year old trying to convince
their parents to buy a puppy J
But how could I not let him get it? For so long he has ached to be a dad. I
have had so many opportunities with teaching to build a relationship with kids.
He has to work with ornery old men. He is going to be the best dad ever but
hasn’t had nearly the same opportunity as I have to be a “parent.” For some
reason I knew that it was going to be ok to get this dog. Before I knew it the
paperwork was written up and we had the puppy in our car on the way home. Also,
I did want to mention how Kate is a rock star. She was so patient as we spent
all night at the pet store while she chased around her 2 boys. She also taught
me about how to take care of a puppy because I had no idea what I was doing.
You are amazing.
Now I have one more part to this story that I want to
clarify. This puppy has helped keep me busy and not think too hard about what
happened. But it hasn’t made it easier. The main thing that has helped in this
is process is how much love that has been showed to Mckell and I. I know the
Lord is aware of our broken hearts and has prompted so many of my friends and
family to randomly call or text this last week., most of them not even knowing
what we were going through. Thank you for reaching out. It has meant more than
you will ever know. It has been hard but I feel like that is life. There are
always going to be good times and hard times. I can either focus on what is
going right or focus on what is going wrong. No matter what circumstance I am
in, I feel like this is the lesson that I will be able to apply for the rest of
my life. Be grateful for what I have and enjoy. True gratitude isn’t just
saying you are thankful for it. It is actually finding the joy in what you
have. I used to get so frustrated with people who weren’t always grateful for
their kids or upset that they were pregnant. It would make me so mad. But
Malcolm has given me a small glimpse into what it is like to be a parent.
Getting up in the middle of the night sucks. I am always tired. I have realized
that everyone has their trials of faith and patience. I am actually grateful
for my infertility. It has given me insight and knowledge on so many things
that I would not have if it were otherwise. I know that I need this experience
right now because there is a greater plan ahead for me. I don’t quite know what
that is. But I do know that I have been promised a family and received healing
priesthood blessings. It is all going to be on the Lord’s timing though I am
grateful for that. Even our Savior was denied what he wanted for a greater
purpose. He asked God, “Remove this cup from me.” But even He had to suffer for
a plan that was better than His. He was willing to accept the answer “No”
matter what it was because He understood that our Heavenly Father loves us all
and knows what is going to be the very best. My Father in Heaven knows me and
loves me. I knew this principle before but this experience has strengthened
that understanding.
I can’t wait to see what is ahead for Mckell and I. But
right now I am going to be grateful for what I have. I have an amazing husband
who works so hard to provide for me. He takes such good care of me. I have the
best family anyone could ask for. We may be spread all over America but that
doesn’t change our relationship. I have the greatest friends anyone could ask
for. I have Father in Heaven who loves me for who I am, not what I do or don’t
have. I have a Savior who is there for me every step I take. Who can truly
understand what I am going through and how I feel. And now I have a dog, I hate
to admit, that I actually enjoy. Life is good.
